The Joy of Giving Yourself
CommentsA dear friend called me this morning to talk. She’s a busy person, and often our conversations are short. We live close to each other though, so we talk frequently. This morning was different, because she didn’t just want to talk, she wanted connection. I could feel something in her voice that made me completely stop what I was doing, and focus on our conversation. It only took a couple of minutes for us to get to the real reason she called.
Her elderly mom, who lives alone in another city, was having some challenges. My friend had been planning to visit her in a few weeks, but was feeling that she should leave earlier than originally planned. She had received a report from a brother who lived nearby her mom. My friend needed to talk about the situation. She was working through her options, and her deepest feelings about what she should do. We spent several minutes going over the situation, and she became clearer. Just talking about the situation to someone who cared helped her get clear on her real feelings.
We all have a lot to do, often causing us to multitask, and to give half attention and effort to many of the routine things we do everyday. We move through things on our lists rapidly, often looking ahead to where we need to focus next. We may not remember something significant at the end of a day, if we haven’t completely connected to it. This is the very definition of overwhelm, the very absence of peace or understanding.
In Surrender Your Agenda: From Overwhelm to Joy, a course I developed for stressed and overwhelmed women, one of the most important choices that I encourage all of us to make is that of being fully present wherever you are, and in whatever you are doing throughout the day. When we are fully present we make a real connection to others and to ourselves. Being fully present defeats much of the overwhelm and stress of our lives, because it allows us to let our minds rest from everything else while we are engaged in what we are doing. Our attitude of mind actually changes when we focus in on what is important for us to prioritize in the moment. When we are present with a situation, a task, or a person our perception is focused on our purpose right here, right now.
We all spend lots of time and energy on the gifts that we give to others during the holidays, or for birthdays, or other special occasions. Becoming fully present with the living beings in your life is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give them. Who in your life would receive great benefit from a deep and conscious connection to you? Several people may come to mind immediately. I would suggest to you that everyone in your life would receive benefits from your being fully present in your interaction with them, no matter how short that interaction may be.
We now know that multitasking is seldom effective. The brain cannot truly focus on several tasks simultaneously, and resorts to focusing in sequentially short attentions to each task involved. The greatest argument against multitasking though is that it keeps us from fully experiencing the living beings who give meaning and purpose to our life.
Take the time to be connected to the living beings in your life. Bring yourself back to the moment whenever you notice you are slipping into another time or place. Give the gift of your presence to others. Take the time to acknowledge the people who cross your path. They are your teachers, as you are theirs.
One of the greatest joys in life is real connection to others. It is a gift. You can change your habit of mutltasking by choosing to be fully present in each moment. You change your habits by creating new intention and purpose. Take the time today to express real feelings to someone, to understand someone, to be quiet with someone, to support someone, to hold a hand, to laugh together, to share the moment. Live your life fully and consciously. Give your gift of presence to others and to yourself. Give yourself.
Joy & Blessings, Carole xx
Overwhelm Relief
CommentsMuch of our daily overwhelm comes from the very human tendency we have of jumping to conclusions. I know that you do it, because I do it, too! All the time! I decide or judge something before I have all the facts I need to make a good decision.
Our "emotional brains" react to anything quicker than our "thinking brains." Daniel Goleman, one of my great mentors, says this "jumping to conclusions" is part of our most primitive survival response. It can sometimes go into overload and be involved in creating overwhelm and stress for us.
Jumping to conclusions is caused by more than a simple brain reaction. We take ourselves too seriously! This is where anger and fear attitudes can generate. I’m being polite. We fall into the human trap of believing our own thinking, and are suprised when overwhelm results!
A great truth that someone shared with me, sometime, somewhere: "Two or more people have greater access to the truth." We all need healthy feedback, and we need other loving people to give it to us. Loving feedback is one of the greatest gifts we humans give each other. If we don’t get this exchange with others, we start to believe our own stuff! It’s not pretty, and it’s not good for us or for others.
A close friend, who gives good feedback by the way, sent me a hilarious link to a MAD TV clip of one of the funniest men of all time, Bob Newhart. Take the time to watch this video, and be prepared to laugh outloud. I’m giving you the link.
Laughing is so important for us. It works magic on our mind, our body, and our spirit. It builds a stronger immune system, and exercises the heart. It even changes the autonomic nervous system, alters stress hormones and neurotransmitter levels (the substances we need to transmit nerve impulses.) Norman Cousins, in 1976, wrote a great book on the effects of laughter on the health of the body. Check out, "Anatomy of an Illness," especially if you have chronic pain.
Make a Joy Choice for yourself. Start taking several breaks during the day to regenerate your mind, body, and spirit. Do what you have to do to remember….put up reminders, set an alarm…but do it! Overwhelm and stress relief is not just about being quiet, meditating, praying, but also about being a natural animal, laughing and having fun, and interacting with others.
- Put some laughter in a break…you know how
- Talk to a supportive friend or partner…share thoughts & feelings & invite feedback
- Be silly by yourself, with others, with your pet
- Get out of your head & into your heart in your own way
"Believe Your Own Stuff?" (video link for next time you need feedback)
Joy & Blessings, Carole xx
Connection to Joy
CommentsEarly last Sunday morning, I went outside to pick up the newspaper. I made a smacking noise to call our little night owl cat, Lucy. We taught our cats to come to that sound so we’d never disturb the neighbors.
I heard a faint meow coming from the yard across the street. A big brown tabby came running as if I was her long lost friend. She greeted me with enthusiasm, and enthused herself right into the house, before I could stop her. We put her outside, but she patiently showed us that she knew how to use a cat door, 3 times, with what I think was a smile on her face.
We placed Found signs in the neighborhood, ads in 2 newspapers, and asked everyone we met. No answers. After a week went by, we began to ask our friends if they’d like a new cat. She was everything we described…peaceful, loving, adaptable, friendly, and easy to have around. No takers. Then someone said they’d like to come by and meet her…a potential taker.
Day 8: I woke up in a very funky mood…not sure why. I couldn’t pinpoint what I was feeling…out of sorts? I write and teach Joy…I wasn’t feeling much of it, and couldn’t shake my strange mood. I have just finished my book, The Joy Choice, in which I share how to restore a loving attitude when fear or anger are active in our minds. I took the steps to discover what my present attitude was…it wasn’t fear or anger, but it didn’t feel like love. I was grumpy, weepy, and absolutely down-n-n-n…what was it?
I busied myself, tried to concentrate on writing, tried to prepare for a trip coming up. There was something I hadn’t remembered to do. I got quiet and still and asked Spirit for help. I asked:
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When have I felt these feelings before?
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If I did know what I was feeling, what would it be?
Thoughts popped into my mind of when my dad was dying from cancer. What did this have to do with what I was feeling? I let myself really feel the feelings…sadness welled up in me, and I cried…the feeling was sadness, but there was more….I was feeling love, attachment, and not wanting to give him up. I was feeling that I had to accept my loss and be mature…it was simply what I must do. What did this have to do with a stray cat? That’s when I got it…I didn’t want to make this decision with my intellect. I knew we had 3 cats already, it wasn’t practical, or mature to even consider another. My heart said something else. I decided to share my feelings with my husband, and he surprised me with his answer.
How often do you give yourself time and space to really know what you feel? How often do you check with your heart…your heart does not always appear to be practical, but it understands more than your intellect can consciously know. When you check with your heart, you get the answers which don’t always make sense at first, but they always bring love and peace.
Too many cats? We wouldn’t have made a conscious choice to seek out another one. Our pets have mostly found us..they’ve chosen us. We believe in adopting strays, especially when they are placed squarely in our paths. Many of the best things in life arrive when we’re not looking for them. Let me introduce a new member of the family….We named her…what else? Joy!
Joy & Blessings, Carole xx 
Overwhelm of Information
CommentsSo much of our overwhelm comes from the huge amount of information we process daily! Just keeping up with the daily dose of information we consume is a full time job!
A few years ago, it was estimated that world knowledge was doubling approximately every 6 months. Now the amount of knowledge in the world has sped up to warp speed. We can’t even begin to estimate how much information exists today. It’s no wonder that we’re all struggling with information overwhelm.
When you stop to consider the number of ways we receive information, it’s easy to become overwhelmed. Computers, television, radio, newspapers, videos, movies, magazines are only a small portion of what we can expect to hear from every day. We still toss tons of paper that comes to us from marketers and mailings.
What causes real information overwhelm? It results from not having a goal to guard against the confusion of too much information. When we are not sure if we actually need most of the info that comes our way…we become confused. When we never have time to process the huge amounts of info we receive our minds refuse. Confusion results in refusion.
When I was in high school, a slightly older girlfriend offered to take me shopping for school clothes. She taught me something I never forgot. I was a teenager who was naturally impulsive…that is, I didn’t have any goals in place to keep me focused on what I really needed or wanted. She said, "Less is more…choose carefully, and pay real attention to what you select. Make sure that everything you select is right for you, and you’ll enjoy them that much more." She was teaching me about conscious choice. This was very different than my habit of letting things choose me.
Choose wisely from the information that comes your way every day. Be selective. Where are you allowing information to choose you and overwhelm you? You know that your brain will refuse to assimilate too much. Be selective in what you allow in. Value this ability to make conscious choice.
The very best solution is to stop all imput of information for a short time each day. Spend some quiet time without any sound, and without any information coming to you from the outside world. Allow yourself this time to process your thoughts, your ideas, and your feelings. Concentrate on your breathing. Be centered in the information within your own beingness, within your own spirit. Breathe, and enjoy the air, and the beauty of nature. Share energy with your pet. Give yourself space to know who you are.
Take time to be still, to be quiet, and to hear your own heart.
Joy & Blessings, Carole xx
Choice To Be Inclusive
CommentsTomorrow is an auspicious day, in more ways than one…We here in the USA, are inaugurating an international president, and we are shifting into a consciousness of becoming inclusive. Inclusive: including, relating to, comprehensive.
Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, with roots in Kansas, Illinois, and Kenya. He is an American, but his voice is international. His voice, his message of inclusiveness, is making ripples in the ocean of our world consciousness. The elements of diversity of the man who will soon become our president, is a microcosm of the macrocosm. President Obama speaks of inclusiveness, and the world reflects back his message. We are being born anew into one human family.
I grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, USA, in the era of the civil rights marches. I was blessed to have parents and other family, who taught me to respect and love all people, and to respect and love myself. Dr Martin Luther King, Jr’s church was in my hometown. It was a time of jingoism: extreme and emotional nationalism. I remember studying that word, jingoism, in school. I didn’t know then why I would always remember it. Now I understand the changes I’ve seen.
Tomorrow, our country reflects our changing world. We are finally creating a world, that Dr King once described, "a world in which my little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." Children of tomorrow will know that any limitation in their own potential will exist only within themselves. They will grow up in the limitless consciousness of the human family that we are becoming.
Tomorrow, the world is sending us a symbolic message. Those of us who live in freedom around the world have great responsibility now. It is a good time to ask ourselves:
Am I using my gift of freedom to promote love on this planet?
How can I love my neighbors here on the planet?
In the Aramaic language, the language of the greatest prophets who influenced the great religions of the world, a neighbor is : anyone near me, anyone I think about, and their operating selves, and belongings.
There’s a beautiful directive of love that is popularly called The Golden Rule..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Did you know that the Golden Rule can be found in every major world religion? In Buddhism: "Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful." In Christianity: "And as ye would that men should do unto you, do ye also to them likewise." In Hinduism: "Do not do to others what would cause pain if done to you." In Islam: "None of you believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself." Judaism: "..thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." In Taoism: "Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss." These are but a few examples among many.
Remember that you have a whole human family of neighbors. Love them, love yourself, love your freedom, love this planet. Every day, I try to reflect on the words of Richard Bach, on a small plaque that hangs in my kitchen. He said, "The bond that links true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each others lives."
Respect and Joy….
Pass it on…Love your neighbors… Live the Golden Rule.
Joy & Blessings, Carole xx
Choose or Cruise
Comments
As I write this, we’re winding up a Caribbean cruise. It was a great getaway, even though cellphones and computers now operate on most ships. There was a time, not so long ago, when we could cruise away from it all, without a virtual connection back to the real world of home and business. Not so anymore!
These days, cruises are great for all types of people…from the elderly, to kids, to special needs. I love cruises, because I really love the ocean…but the secret reason I love cruises is because I love the lull period, which happens sometime in the middle of the voyage. This mindless time happens when I’m lulled into the peaceful place of not having to think, or steer, or even plan dinner….For a couple of days, I’m just on cruise control.
This glorious time of blissful relaxation only lasts for a brief moment in time, to be replaced by something very different in the last few days we are at sea. Always, predictably, in the last few days of any cruise, my mind begins the gradual shift back to reality and responsibility. Even when I try to stay on cruise control, reminders of work, and of home, start to creep in, and I begin returning to making conscious choices.
I write for people who are developing, and growing, and nurturing their potential and purpose in life. Conscious choice is something I write and speak about, because conscious choice is the glue and foundation of our potential and purpose. Conscious choice keeps us on track, and on course, for creating who we want to be in our lives. Each choice that we make now, appears as our future potential…choices we make now limit, and determine, what choices will be available to us in our future. What we are currently receiving in our present life, we have most likely chosen, and given, in the past.
Because we need to be aware and focused on conscious choice so much of the time, we all need cruise time..a time when we can relax not just our bodies, but also relax our minds and our spirits…times when we can be carefree. The truth is…a cruise doesn’t always have to take place on a ship. We can experience cruise control anytime that we create a space to still the day to day world…we can do that in any way that works for us….any way from gardening, to walking, to bathing, to playing, to sitting. to the The key to turning an ordinary time into cruise time, is the intention we bring to the space. Cruise time must be chosen…it will not appear unless you consciously choose it. The secret to experiencing real relaxation in mind, body, and spirit, is that we must give our full attention, and focus, to what we are doing….we must be totally present….No multitasking, or turning our mind to choices is allowed.
An old friend once said that she liked regular days more than holidays…I never forgot what she said, and I realize that now I find myself feeling that same way. She was a joyful and creative person. She was content in her life. Special days weren’t so outstanding to her, because she loved the reality she had created for herself.…She was a woman fulfilling her potential. When we make choices that bring us closer to who we are in our purpose, we too, will love each day, and be focused in the present.
Could you take some cruise time today? Could you choose a time, and an activity, or a relaxation, which would quiet your mind, relax your body, and refresh your spirit? Could you plan that time into your day? Could it be a gift you give yourself? Could you consciously choose to take cruise time? Go ahead…turn off the world, and sail away! And wherever you are, be there!
When you return from your cruise, notice the souvenirs you bring back with you….I know you brought back some gifts for yourself, too….a few little things like:
Renewed energy
More patience
Sharper focus
New perspective
Fresh creativity
Your presence is important to everything you do. Be present in all your life...and you will enjoy it! Consciously choose some cruise time, and remember your sunscreen! Shine on!
Joy & Blessings, Carole xxx
Simple Surrender
CommentsI recently spent a few weeks in China. It wasn’t exactly a pleasure trip, but it turned out to be an incredible experience. I learned a few things about the country, but I learned quite a lot about myself. It took me several weeks after my return home to make the connection to the real benefits I received.
I often do volunteer work. You do, too! We all do volunteer work, even if we don’t recognize it while we’re doing it! I decided to help someone whom I met through amazing synchronicity, by supporting her on a trip to China, for medical treatment of her special needs child. I knew all along that I volunteered for a number of reasons…not just to help someone who needed help, but to see and experience the country and it’s people, and because I’m interested in the health treatments there.
I looked at the trip as a positive adventure. The trip was an adventure, but the adventure was in my personal growth, not in the intended experience. We don’t always get what we came for…sometimes we get more.
I set out for my adventure feeling that I was doing a good deed, and that I would enjoy my journey on many levels. I had no idea then, that there were expectations for my support, that I hadn’t volunteered for. I also discovered, to my great surprise, that I had an agenda of my own operating.
I often write and speak about agendas. I even developed a course called Surrender Your Agenda, and yet agendas sneak up on me all the time. An agenda, you know, is born in our minds, and consists of something we think we want to accomplish. That’s why we often call them personal agendas. While I was in China, my personal agenda, ran head on into someone else’s personal agenda. I’ve learned to realize that when I think I know the only way something should be, I need to give my agenda up to a higher purpose…I need to make a joy choice….I made the choice to surrender.
There are many times in life when things just don’t work out the way we imagined (in our wildest dreams sometimes!), times when we have walked head on into a situation which is very negative, even though we know we had good intentions! Are you feeling this? In these situations, we can fight, run, or surrender…..Let me tell you why surrender is the winning move.
Surrender often gets a bad rap. Surrender doesn’t mean lose, in fact, in it’s purest sense it simply means to "give up to." Surrender was the answer in China, because my agenda was fogging up my purpose for being there. My purpose involved being loving to others, and myself. The agenda that existed in my mind, however, consisted of having this be a win/win experience for everyone involved. The dynamics of two opposing agendas was causing friction. I had a choice…to stick to the agenda in my head, or to check with my heart, for an answer. I chose to surrender the agenda, cancel, and give up what I wanted, so that I could remain loving to myself and the others involved. It was a simple choice.
I came home with some incredible benefits. I have no negative feelings about the trip, even though it was far removed from the joy it could have been. I have happy memories, and any angst disappeared when I looked for the good in the situation. I now see the connections that were made ….the beautiful people I met there, who will be friends for life, and the amazing growth and understanding that I gained. The expression, "Go in Peace,’ has a new meaning for me.
Joy & Blessings, Carole xx
Purpose or Agenda?
CommentsAre you like me? I don’t always take the time to consciously think about what I’m doing, or why I’m doing it…I just do it! I find that I have more things to do, than I have time to do them, and I’m often concerned with just getting things done! Sometimes I need a wakeup call. It dawns 
on me that a lot of the behavior I want to believe is coming from my purpose, probably isn’t from my purpose at all…it’s coming from my agenda.
"We teach what we need to learn," is an old adage, but it’s so true. Will Rogers said something also about learning that really applies to me. He said that there are "ones that learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves." Guess where I am? Standing in line to get to the fence! The good part is…I remember what I learn, and it often shows up in my writing.
What does all this have to do with the subject, "Purpose or Agenda?" Whether we’re actively looking for our purpose, our life purpose, that is, our reason for being here….or, we simply believe that our experience is better, richer, and more fulfilling when we embrace our purpose…purpose is still important to us. Why then, do we get so caught up in our agendas that we lose sight of purpose?
Purpose can be defined as: intended or desired result; the aim or reason for which something is done or is used. Purpose and agenda are sometimes used interchangeably, but they mean far different things. Agenda is: a list, or an idea, of what we want to accomplish. Agendas tend to be personal, not always well formulated, often impulsive, and not based in wisdom, education, or experience. It is our agendas which can lead us to the "electric fences" that Will Rogers spoke of.
A few years ago, I developed a course on overwhelm, for women, because so many people around me were stressed and overwhelmed, and were lacking joy in their lives. It was while I was working on this course, and bringing joy back into my own life, that I learned the difference in having a purpose, and having an agenda. You see, I couldn’t have my own agenda while I was writing the course. The course had a plan of it’s own, and it named itself: Surrender Your Agenda: Overwhelm to Joy. The course taught me how to surrender, to have a purpose, to be focused on a goal, a result, a reason…I was coming from my heart. My agenda, that is…my idea of how, what, why, when, and where, wouldn’t work…that agenda was coming from my head.
Find some quiet time….give yourself permission to see clearly what you need to know. Journal, because journaling will help you dig deeper into what you have hidden from yourself. Quiet your mind, connect with your heart, and allow yourself to know who you want to be in the world. Ask yourself: "Where do I have a unconscious agenda that is not in alignment with my deepest purpose?"
When you check with your heart, and realize that you may Surrender Your Agenda to serve your purpose, you will find that your heart has the perfect answers you’ve been looking for. Joy & Blessings, Carole xxx
Live on Purpose
CommentsPurpose: intended or desired result; the aim, goal, reason for which something is done or used
I may have received my first glimpse of self responsibility as a young child, when my mother looked me in the eyes, and said, "I think you did that on purpose." Until that day, my misbehaviors had sneaked under her radar, because she believed I was too young to understand consequences. This time, however, I was mature enough to know what I had done, and why I had done it. My will and intention were maturing, and mom was right….I had done it on purpose!
I once heard Dr Wayne Dyer say that the question he is most often asked is from people wanting to know how they can discover their life purpose. Most of us question our "reason for being here" at some time in our lives. Some of us lead lives of frustration believing we are not fulfilling what we came here for. Almost all of us have a tendency to view our life experiences in one extreme or the other…
- Good or Bad
- Win or Lose
- OK or Not OK
- Success or Failure
There’s an authoritarian part in most of us that causes us to perceive our experiences with a black or white, negative or positive filter…..Realistically, most of our choices, accomplishments, and our experiences tend to fall somewhere in a "gray" or middle area. Don’t automatically assume that a gray area is a bad place to be….it’s where most of real life takes place!
One of my favorite quotes is by Ralph Waldo Emerson….you’ve probably heard it before:
"Life is a journey, not a destination"
Emerson was acknowledging the power of being in the present, and the reality of continuing to live and thrive without reaching a final destination.
The life purpose we all search for is not a single goal, or attainment…Our life purpose is a series of accomplishments…actually, a multitude of intentions which lead to accomplishments. We find our life purpose when we discover who we want to be….it is not a single mountaintop experience….life purpose shows up everyday that you are living consciously, and making choices based in the intentions which reflect your deepest values. Every experience, every lesson, every win, every loss, is a valuable and necessary part of life’s journey.
Realize that you are on purpose, in your life purpose right now. Your will and intention are mature enough to make you aware of exactly what you are doing.
Are you becoming the person that you most want to be? Are you making conscious choices to move toward that goal, that reality, that life, of who you are, in the deepest part of you? Each choice you make reveals choices that were unavailable to you before.
Grow your life purpose….It’s your assignment here on the planet! Stay in the present…You are enough! And by the way, wherever you are, be there!
Joy & Blessings, Carole xx
Overwhelm of Perfection
CommentsThe agendas in our lives often set us up for overwhelm….and overwhelm blocks our joy!
Agenda: a list or plan of things to be done
We all know that some agendas are necessary. Those agendas that help us keep life organized and running smoothly are important to us. The agendas that we need to uncover and surrender, are those that we adopt unconsciously….they’re the agendas that we may not even realize that we have! They are the ones that don’t help us, serve us, or complete us….they’re the agendas that keep us feeling inadequate and ineffectual. They overwhelm us, and block our joy!
Hidden agendas show up in a multitude of disguises, and unless we look for them, and weed them out, we may not even know they exist, or that they are contributing to overwhelm. Sometimes they appear in self talk. Have you ever spoken these words to yourself:
"What’s wrong with me?"
"I‘ll never measure up."
"I just can’t get it together!"
"Why can’t I do this?"
"I’m a failure!"
If you feel frustrated by these feelings, you could have a popular hidden agenda of perfectionism: a personal standard of a high degree of proficiency, excellence, or skill. The demands you make of yourself are higher than what you would expect of anyone else.
Your agenda of perfectionism may be full blown, or you could have just enough operating to keep you from the joy you deserve, and the joy you’ve earned!
I often volunteer with a personal development group which includes some teenagers and young adults. I always come away marveling at how much I learn from them. Personally, I think that many young people today have amazing depth. What I’m most impressed with is their intention to be authentic.
The great poet, Kahlil Gibran, gave us instruction about younger people when he said, "You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you." Those authentic young people often remind me that they are more focused on being true to themselves, and living up to their own expectations, than many of my peers.
If we are caught up in perfectionism, that is, a standard that we and others, have set for ourselves, we can be our own worst enemy.
When we:
*Frequently compare ourselves to others
*Assume that people are judging us for not being enough
*Feel that others don’t know us as our true selves…….,
We’re not loving ourselves, and we’re not being authentic.
Self love & authenticity are synergistic: The interaction of the combined elements produce a total effect that is greater than the individual elements.
What one thing can you do for yourself today that will demonstrate being true to YOU? Take the time to get quiet and still and Check With Your Heart…..Make a Joy Choice to be the real, adorable, valuable, natural, authentic, YOU!
You (the real you) is important to this planet….and, by the way… I love the real you!
Joy & Blessings, Carole xxx
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